Meat & Potatoes

He Said - by Blaine Staat

Some people would say I’m a picky eater, but that’s actually so far from the truth even the Hubble telescope can’t span the distance.

Picky? No way.

When I think of a picky eater, I think of a cat; no matter what you give it to eat, it just isn’t good enough. That’s not the case with me at all. Unlike a cat, I don’t hate everything, I just hate most things. All you have to do is figure out the 3 or 4 things that I do like and suddenly life is pretty easy.

First off, you can pretty much get rid of the entire Fruit & Vegetable group. Other than potatoes, green beans, and occasionally a banana, this whole food group is highly overrated and generally tastes terrible.

I mean, let’s take a look at the lineup here, shall we? Brussel sprouts, beets, lentils, cabbage, green peas, broccoli, spinach . . . are you kidding me? Yeuch! Why not just ask me to eat broken glass while you’re at it? Fruit is okay, but let’s face it; it simply doesn’t have the shelf life of pre-packaged donuts, and that alone is enough to invalidate it as a sensible option.

Secondly, other than French bread, French fries, and French toast**, if it’s French, it’s terrible.

Period.

Ditto for all things Asian. Sorry folks, but Chinese food is just bad. Snap out of it.

So what do I like? Well, hamburgers & French fries, steak & baked potatoes, and meatloaf & mashed potatoes to name a few. If you look closely, you can probably spot a couple of things that are common to all 3 of those: for one, all involve meat & potatoes. For another, none of them have been ruined by covering them with some sort of “pineapple & walnut glaze”.

You’d think that this wouldn’t be too tough for Catherine to figure out; after all, pineapples & walnuts belong to the “Fruit & Vegetable Group” which has already been permanently cut from the menu. And yet, even after more than a decade, I still sit down to the dinner table only to find perfectly good pork chops that have been defiled by some kind of whacked out applesauce & crumbled potato chip topping recipe thought up by people who have no sense of decency and who are obviously bent on nothing more than ruining my life.

They tell my wife in the pages of a cookbook that “It’s delicious!”, and in her naivete, she believes them.

Over and over again.

All of which unfairly makes me the bad guy, because I’m the one who has to tell her it tastes nasty, while Emeril and Wolfgang continue to go their merry way.

To my wonderful wife, all I can say is that it’s just this simple: meat & potatoes. Just heat them up. Do nothing else to them except apply heat. That’s all you have to do.

Think of all of the advantages of this, how easy I make life for you if you simply heed my words. There are entire sections of the grocery store that you can now avoid, and you know exactly what you need to get at the aisles that you do have to go to. What a timesaver I am for you!

On top of that, you only need to know about 5 recipes; this not only keeps the kitchen counters clear of pesky cookbooks, it reduces our expenses by not having to buy them in the first place. How thoughtful and cost conscious can I get?

I don’t need my horizons broadened sweetheart; my present horizon includes cows, and there is simply no greener pasture than that.

Bread is okay too.

** All of which I suspect are not really French at all, but instead invented in America and given those names as a token of thanks to France for giving us the Statue of Liberty. An arrogant assumption, yes, but I’m sure it’s true.


She Said - by Catherine Staat

Funny how our guys think that planning, preparing, and cooking a meal is simply done by just (and I quote), “Do nothing else to them except apply heat.”

I wish it were that easy. I am aware that there are several boxed sets of ready made “just-apply-heat” type foods out there now, but they have no nutritional value whatsoever! Bleck!

I sometimes wonder if my family thinks that a meal just magically appears at the dinner table – hot and ready to eat all at the same time. It’s magic right?! Oh right!

Ladies, we know that there is more to preparing meals for our family. There is a fine art to the whole “well balanced meal” that not only smells good but looks good too. Let’s not forget the long learning process we go through ourselves which involves lots of taste testing (I don’t recall Blaine ever refusing to do) and lots of “learning experiences”.

I will admit I have had quite a few learning lessons along the way that did not always turn out, but I sure did have fun trying out new and different things! I try to remind Blaine that I am broadening his horizons with these new and different tastes from around the world! ~winking~

My favorite recipes come from France because the cooking involves fresh and real (emphasis on "real") foods. And would you like to know what some of Blaine’s favorite meals are? French! He just doesn’t know it!

Most of the dishes I make come straight from my French cookbooks. Don’t tell Blaine that the Cheese and Bacon Potato Cake I make is actually Pommes des Vendangeurs, or the Ham Appetizer Tart is really Tarte de Hors-d'oeuvre de Jambon.

The Poulet Saute a la Moutarde et au Romarin he raved about came from a French recipe which actually called for lapin (rabbit) which I changed and made into Sauteed Chicken with Mustard and Rosemary Sauce instead.

The Tarte Tatin (Upside Down Apple Tart) or the Gateau au Chocolat (French Chocolate Cake) was - according to Blaine - just one of those things I had applied heat to and then served.

But this is our little secret.

Do you think there would ever be a chance I could convince Blaine to take me to France one day?

Hmmm . . . I think the possibility of that happening is slim. So in the meantime, I will take my family to France every now and again in a different way, and even if the only thing I ever serve is Pain de viande et Purée de pommes de terr (this translates into your basic - and Blaine’s favorite - Meatloaf and Mashed Potatoes), I can still imagine that we’re enjoying our meal basking in the sunshine at an outdoor café along the streets of Paris.