Identity Theft

He Said - by Blaine Staat

I have been stripped of all identity. Like a naked babe, I am exposed to the world. Even the fortress from which I rule my kingdom has become but a sterile reflection of the man I once was.

Pity me. Feel my pain.

I walk the halls of my abode a stranger, the walls mocking me with their adornments. I peer into the rooms of my home and see not even a glimmer of my past. From the upper parapet* my lonely gaze crosses the castle moat** as I admire a realm wholly mine, and yet wholly unfamiliar to my senses.

Striding along the countryside, a nobleman approaches:

“Nice tie, Blaine.”

“Thanks. Catherine bought if for me.”


At our gala masquerade party:

“What a lovely home you have Blaine,” remarks a visiting Marie Antoinette.

“How very kind of you,” replies the man in the pirate suit picked out by his wife. “Catherine decorated it.”


During the Kentucky / Duke basketball game:

“Hey Blaine, whatever happened to that really cool wagon wheel coffee table you used to have?” asks still unmarried college buddy. “You know, the one with all the NASCAR stickers on it?”

“Gone, my friend. Long gone," is my melancholy answer. “And don’t put your glass directly on the table; use one of these decorative yet functional coasters with wistful images of the Victorian era tastefully rendered on an un-intrusive taupe background.”

Who is this man staring back at me through the looking glass? What have I become?

And yet, even now, a surreptitious smile can still make a stealthy appearance upon my face. For despite all of her efforts, I have yet managed to retain a solitary vestige of my unmarried life. She does not know it still exists, for I keep it carefully hidden away right here in my . . . in my . . .

“Catherine! Where’s my Tampa Bay Buccaneers keychain?!”

Pity me. Feel my pain.

* more of a porch really
** a flat out lie; there is no moat – okay, well maybe there is a small one after a really good rain



She Said - by Catherine Staat

What wagon wheel coffee table with all the NASCAR stickers on it? After all these years of marriage . . . I didn’t know you liked NASCAR?! Huh! Well, I guess we learn something new everyday!

When Blaine and I got married we had two of everything because we’d both had places of our own. Two coffee pots – we only needed one. Two television sets – again we only needed one. Two sets of dishes, silverware, pots and pans…and let me say here that we both (let me stress the word both) decided that we only needed one of each.

Some of his things we kept as well as some of mine. The only thing we did agree to keep two of was his couch and mine, which I will get to in a second.

I remember the first time I walked into Blaine’s apartment. He did not have a lot in his place; just the essentials. A couch (this was kept), a television set and stand that he had refurbished from an old sewing machine table (we kept that too and used for many years to hold his fish tank), a kitchen table (mine was able to stand on all fours so you can guess which one of the two we kept) a book shelf (we just recently donated this piece before moving here to Kentucky), a highboy dresser from his childhood (we have this currently in our guest bedroom) and his waterbed (okay…need I say more on this one? Yeah…that had to go!).

Just to stress how little he had, when Blaine moved down to Orlando from Charlotte, he was able to pack everything he owned into his 1979 Toyota Celica Supra with one of those hatchback trunks (not real roomy) and the smallest U-haul trailer they had available. I don’t think a wagon wheel coffee table with NASCAR stickers would have been able to fit do you?

One thing I remember about Blaine’s apartment was his cute little couch. It was a definite keeper! It was a beach chair. You know, one of those tri-fold ones with the metal legs and plastic tubes wrapped around that always made your rear end look big when you sank into it?! What more did a bachelor need?

Although he had a small apartment, the living room looked huge compared to his little beach chair couch and television set-up. I just thought that was the cutest thing ever and could not throw it away. We kept that couch for several years and used it may times at the beach until the metal legs rusted and the plastic tubing seat finally gave way.

Do you still pity Blaine? Do you feel his pain?

No, of course not! I think the only pain Blaine feels is when his rear end busted through the seat of his cute little couch!